Monday, December 11, 2006

Cure for the Common Smoking Ban

The great uninformed has done it again. This past November, the people of the State of Ohio instituted a public smoking ban. Now, however, some people are taking a closer look at it. For example, if you employ a nanny to look after your children, you can not smoke in your own home. Private clubs that employ a bartender are now, surprisingly, smoke free. Any place where the "public is welcome", be it a private business or home, is now comparable to public property such as government buildings and parks.

Now, why did Ohioans vote in this insane law that violates private property rights? According to the major proponent of the law (SmokeFreeOhio): "The Children." I suppose I'm the only parent capable of arriving at the decision that it isn't in my child's interest to take her into smoke-filled room.

Given this, I am going to propose the complete banning of salads and non-cooked vegetables from all restaurants and places where the public is welcome. Given the recent incidents involving spinach and onions it seems to me that the children need protecting. Given that correlation is not causation, one can prove that more people have died of E. coli than have died of second-hand smoke. (Anti-smoking zealots, please check the underlined definations of correlation and causation - they are not the same.) Given that the only sure-fire method of killing the bacteria is by heating (cooking) it, salads are inherantly dangerous. In particular, the smallest of us who lack an adult immune system capable of fighting off the disease need to be protected at all costs. Only by a diet of beef, pork, poultry, and other animal products can we end this health hazard that is silent, invisible, and undetectable by smell.

Therefore, I challenge SmokeFreeOhio to change their mission at once, and help eradicate all uncooked vegetables in public places. In the meantime, I suggest those restaurants who promote the eating of meat at the expense of dangerous salads proclaim on the outside of their establishment, "MEAT FRIENDLY." The health of our state, and our nation, is at steak!

Margaritas ante Porcos,
Right Wing Toledo